For some, the Academy Awards is their Super Bowl. For me, this is an opportunity to reflect upon the bad hair, bad dress choices, and bad actions of people who are out of my (money) league. Let me reflect on a few things:
0. The best thing about the night was this Scandal promo. Yes, honey. I could watch this on a loop for awhile.
1. Seth MacFarlane was out of his pay grade as the host. I hope the chair of the Academy starts begging Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and/or Neil Patrick Harris to host.
2. The Academy should just do a parade of dresses next year. That’s all we watch for anyway.
3. I still refuse to see Django Unchained. I watched Sankofa. I read Jubilee. I saw Roots. I’m good.
4. Dame Shirley Bassey is a dame for a reason. She’s 76 and is still shutting things down. And this was her debut at the Academy Awards. She was stunting on all of you broads. Soon, her gold dress will be knocked off for the geriatric goddess set.
6. From now on, I will say Goldfinger as Gold Fingahhhh. Thank Dame Shirley Bassey.
7. Hugh Jackman slander will get you cut off at the knees and deleted from my timeline. When it comes to Wolverine, I won’t stand for that.
8. A documentary about a homeless, undocumented young woman won an Oscar. You can watch it on Colorlines.
10. People who think that calling people and organizations on their racism and classism is a denial of First Amendment rights are idiots.
11. Names are important. Names are more than an amalgamation of vowels and consonants. Your name is the first way you learn to identify yourself. Thusly, learn how to say people’s names, especially if said person is the youngest person to be nominated for an Academy Award. A kicker for the Bucs claimed that reporters learned how to state a tough ass European name but gave up on Nigerian names. That ish is real. And for the record, she told you how to say her name.
Barbra Streisand was wearing Morticia Addams‘ classic dress (with some bedazzled baubles). But she can still sing the hell out of that song. And it took guts to sing Memories which was written by a dear friend of hers during that tribute.
13. Jennifer Hudson can do no wrong when she sings this song from Dreamgirls. True, as Luvvie states, she does not own an indoor voice. What I forgot when I watched her: She placed 7th on American Idol, but Fantasia Barrino won that season. JHud is an overcomer, y’all.
14 When did the film version of Chicago become a cultural milestone?
15. That whole musical tribute made me yearn for the Tonys and Neil Patrick Harris.
16. When is the remake of Annie coming out? Not only do I want to see Quevanzhane Wallis as Annie, but It’s A Hard Knock Life never gets old. #AnnieStan
17. Sorry, Trina. You know you’re my girl, but Charlize Theron will always be crowned the baddest in my book. That pixie cut, that dress, the Dior contract, and just her overall badassness….FTW.
18. Back to Dame Shirley Bassey: If anyone knows what foundational garments she used for her performance, please text or e-mail me. She was hoisted up to the heavens, snatched in the appropriate places, and smoothed out in others. It’s like the gods bestowed her the best shapewear from the secret vault on Valhalla.
Those were my thoughts as the night progressed. What moments were memorable for you?