I have learned, as a rule of thumb, never to ask whether you can do something. Say, instead, that you are doing it. Then fasten your seat belt. The most remarkable things follow.

Julia Cameron

My Ideal Dating Website

Fill in the blank: If one more dating guru advises me to try online dating, I will _____.

Let me go first. I will create my own dating website. I have tried, HowAboutWe, BlackPlanet Personals (don’t ask), and almost every other site on the market. All are lacking. 

I am going to create a dating website once I get a name, some money, some time, and the appropriate developers to help me with this. 

What I think is essential for my site are the following:

  • Pictures of your bookshelves. Walter Moseley said, “A man’s bookcase will tell you everything you’ll ever need to know about him.” John Waters also said, ““If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ’em!” Enough said. 
  • A random shuffle from your music collection. I can appreciate a good mix of musical styles, but if you are only listening to Lil Wayne and Drake, we may not be a match. 
  • List of the real television, movies, and plays you like. See above rationale. If your movie watching only consist of Tyler Perry flicks and gospel “chitlin circuit” plays, that’s cool. You’re not for me. 
  • Do you say pop, soda or Coke? Believe me this matters. 
  • Outline of goals, three year plan, and self improvement foci
  • Do you say thesauruses or thesaurii? I just want to know. 
  • Do you drink moscato? With ice and a straw? With irony or without?
  • Your love language: Trust me. These things matter. These love languages explain a lot. 
  • Your dating resume: See this post for details on this
  • 2/3 of your crazy. This will be presented up front so instead of having to wait until the third month or third hour into the marriage for your oddities to pop up, we can know up front what we can expect. 
  • Time diary: Where you spend your time is where your treasure is. Thusly, one can assume that if you spend too much time at the K.O.D., you are probably getting a lap dance from a stripper named Treasure. 
  • Your real weight, height and age. Come on, son. We all have lied and fallen short of the glory of our online dating profiles. Let’s get real and get honest. 
  • References (mothers don’t count): A minimum of two references from your exes. 
What else should be included on my new dating site? Any suggestions for names? 

I Been That Girl

I wanted to hate Melanie Fiona hard.

But this woman got me all up in my feelings with almost every song of hers. 

She even said this new album was about emotions, feelings, and vulnerability. The perils of love. The joys of love. Some people are looking for love in the right or the wrong places. Some people are yearning for love from the right or wrong people.

Of all the songs this small ditty (it’s a blink-or-miss-it bit on the album) hit me in the chest because I was tired of being that girl who puts up with a trifling and manipulative ex-boyfriend. 

Heard about the tires on his brand new carI knew that he’d drive you crazyGuess the only option is to fall when you get pushed too farYou’ll think about that next time maybeWhen he’s calling your name outWhen he needs you back in his lifeCause he got some secrets, and all of them came upWhen it’s all your name, but you can’t make the payment
He needs you to stay, but you don’t wanna goI know cause I have been that girl

Yep, with this this song, she (and her co-writer Drake) nailed her 95 theses to the door to my heart. And I get everything she poured into this album. But this song slays me every time. Every time.   

I Should Believe in The Gaggle (But I Don’t)

In the throes of my summer relationship breakdown recovery, this book popped onto my radar just as I was inhaling every piece of relationship advice I could locate in the self-help aisle.

The Gaggle, as defined by its authors, is “the select group of guys in your life – many of whom you are not explicitly romantically involved with – who play different roles, fulfill different needs, and help you to figure out who you are, what you want, and what kind of relationship you ultimately desire.”

The guys you should have in your gaggle or clique (sorry, I had to link to that song) are the following:

  • The ex-boyfriend who is still around
  • The hot sex prospect
  • The ego booster
  • The boyfriend prospect
  • The prospect you’re not sure is a prospect
  • The accessory
  • The career booster
  • The super horny guy who happens to be around a lot
  • The guy who just blew you off
  • The unavailable guy

After reading the book, I assessed the guys I call friends, and they each fit these roles. Several have fallen out of the gaggle and I have yet to replace them.

The reasons vary: Sheer laziness. Disinterest. And the realization that the men I placed in these roles–I ascribed them to these positions. None of them volunteered to these positions or avowed a strong desire to be in this role.

I think having a coterie of gentlemen that you can call upon in times of (real) crisis and (relationship) crisis is wonderful. 

But they need to agree on their roles in your life.

When I wrote about the friend zone, a friend called me on the fact that both parties have to agree to participate in the friend zone: the friend who is desired and places Person B in the zone agrees that this is the limit to their relationship and Person B accepts Person A’s arrangement.

Same thing here with The Gaggle concept. It’s cool to have these type of men in your life, but they need to know in which lane they can operate.