Fill in the blank: If one more dating guru advises me to try online dating, I will _____.
Let me go first. I will create my own dating website. I have tried Match.com, HowAboutWe, BlackPlanet Personals (don’t ask), and almost every other site on the market. All are lacking.
I am going to create a dating website once I get a name, some money, some time, and the appropriate developers to help me with this.
What I think is essential for my site are the following:
- Pictures of your bookshelves. Walter Moseley said, “A man’s bookcase will tell you everything you’ll ever need to know about him.” John Waters also said, ““If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ’em!” Enough said.
- A random shuffle from your music collection. I can appreciate a good mix of musical styles, but if you are only listening to Lil Wayne and Drake, we may not be a match.
- List of the real television, movies, and plays you like. See above rationale. If your movie watching only consist of Tyler Perry flicks and gospel “chitlin circuit” plays, that’s cool. You’re not for me.
- Do you say pop, soda or Coke? Believe me this matters.
- Outline of goals, three year plan, and self improvement foci
- Do you say thesauruses or thesaurii? I just want to know.
- Do you drink moscato? With ice and a straw? With irony or without?
- Your love language: Trust me. These things matter. These love languages explain a lot.
- Your dating resume: See this post for details on this.
- 2/3 of your crazy. This will be presented up front so instead of having to wait until the third month or third hour into the marriage for your oddities to pop up, we can know up front what we can expect.
- Time diary: Where you spend your time is where your treasure is. Thusly, one can assume that if you spend too much time at the K.O.D., you are probably getting a lap dance from a stripper named Treasure.
- Your real weight, height and age. Come on, son. We all have lied and fallen short of the glory of our online dating profiles. Let’s get real and get honest.
- References (mothers don’t count): A minimum of two references from your exes.