Happy Valentine’s Day! This is some people’s favorite day of the year. Mine is February 15, when I get all the V-Day candy 75 percent off at Target, CVS, and Wal-Mart. Score: me 1, lovers of the world, 0. 

This prompt came up on my dash today: 
What do you love most about yourself? What do you love most about your favorite person? Are the two connected?

And I just had to answer it. I have no idea what to say about what I love about myself. When I was in college, I would say that I love my wrists. It was the one thing that was tiny on me — or so I thought. 

For so many years, I hated who I was, what I was. I looked at myself as an awkward mud monster. I was a bull in a china shop: large, uncomfortable, and always knocking shit around. I didn’t feel fragile. Dainty. Feminine. I felt huge. 

Now, I appreciate my awkwardness, my largeness. It allowed me the ability to take up space and not feel crowded by others. My awkwardness revealed people who were truly into me and pushed away those who didn’t. 

I looked back at pictures of me in college. (I hate photos, so finding a photo of me is rare. Like unicorn rare.) I wasn’t as big or as huge. My mind had been playing tricks on me forever. 

I’ve let others dictate what I should be and who I should be for years, and that included the body snarking I internalized. Now, I have shed most of that. I like the things I once hated so much. I love the things that I despised. I feel more at home in my body than I ever have. 

Once upon a time, I envied the girls who were tiny, cute, and tight bodied. Ladies who were able to wear bikinis and crushed velvet bodysuits. Women who chased after because the slits of the dresses were high, their butts were prominent. The girls whose living, I thought, was always easy and wonderful because they had attention and smallness. 

Now, when I hear them complain about not being those things anymore and aren’t quite at home in their bodies, I laugh (on the inside, never to their faces). We’ve traded places, and I hope they find a peace that I have. 


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