Damnation, this blog post disappeared. I hate blogging. I hate technology and unreliable wifi. Damn you, Mercury Retrograde. Here’s my best recreation of what was an excellent damn post.
Most of my life, I have been jealous and envious of other people. Don’t look at me like that. You have felt the same way too. In my writing life, I am enthusiastic and proud of my friends for what they are accomplishing. But inside…boy, I am wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Why can’t I do that? Why are you scrolling the #amwriting hashtag when you’re just outlining/responding to email/not doing writing things? Who would buy that crap? Thank goodness you’re using a pen name — you write shitty smut that everyone will laugh at. What’s keeping me from going after that? Why can’t you write GOOD ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE TO ACTUALLY WANT TO SIGN YOU? (Yeah, I am a bundle of joy on my therapist’s couch.) Between tight job-that-pays-me deadlines, the stress of those tight job-that-pays-me deadlines, imposter syndrome, a tendency toward procrastination, and a strong belief that what I write is garbage, I get nothing accomplished.
I am stuck in a creative rut, and I am sick and tired of being in the damn rut.
I stumbled across The Jealous Curator awhile ago, and I loved the premise:
The Jealous Curator launched in 2009, as a place for me to show artwork that “made me jealous”. Yes, I was jealous of other artists’ work, their lives, their success, their studios. I felt like I’d never have any of that – and I was right – because I wasn’t making art! I was stuck, and so busy comparing myself to everyone else that I didn’t even allow myself to be creative. It was awful. I started the blog to document the work I loved, but more importantly, I wanted to find a way to flip the jealousy into something positive – admiration and inspiration to be specific. It worked!
Right on! God, that site and its author — Danielle Krysa — gets me and my life. I hate these contradictory feelings that I have. I am not mad or frustrated about anyone else’s success. I’m proud of so many people I know through my RWA chapter or my online friends. They have worked hard to get what they wanted and deserved.
I believe that the year can start at any time. I’m not a January 1 purist. New seasons, new semesters, new challenges all mark the start of a new year for me. November 1 is the start of Nanowrimo, and this is my chance to make a fresh start. I am tired of feeling like shit because I won’t have some writing success since I can’t/don’t/won’t write. I can only change me and focus on me, and that’s what this is all about: showcasing the good things I see from romance writers and chronicling my own path toward getting my writing done. This is my way to “flip it and reverse it” — it being my sense of comparison, my lack of writing, and my active competitive streaks.